The most important thing...? (Writing Ramble, feel free to ignore)

So, I've been putting a ton of work into Bloodkin's worldbuilding and backstory lately. I ran into some problems and have had to sort things out, which is why there haven't been many updates recently, either for Bloodkin or for any of my fanfic projects. I was discussing this with a friend of mine, and he asked if I could just sort of take the material I have and "make a finished novel out of it." I guess I might be able to do that if I wanted to cobble together a half-baked vampire novel that doesn't mean anything. He just really wants me to publish. I share the sentiment. In fact, with the vast overabundance of vampire stuff out there right now, I've thought about focusing on other projects for a while. (No, not abandoning Bloodkin; I'd die first. But there are a million vampire stories on the market right now, and I have other stories that might be less likely to get lost in the avalanche of fanged critter stories.)

Whatever I decide on that score, I can say that the one thing I WON'T do is try to take what I have and slap it together into something marketable just for the sake of having a published novel. It wouldn't work even if I TRIED it anyway. Part of the problem is that I know more about the characters and the world in which they live than anyone else will ever see. Part of the problem is that, as hard as I try, I simply can't work chronologically and there are times when I HAVE to work with characters or themes that don't enter the plot until points in the future that readers won't be able to quite follow based on what's happened chronologically. The majority of the problem is that, somehow in the last three years I've gone from writing "a vampire story" to writing the most important story I'll ever tell, and I didn't even realize that until I tried to put Bloodkin into words for someone else.

So I was trying to explain to my friend that I can't just grab what I have and mash it together into a marketable book. It doesn't work that way because the majority of what I have in any intelligent written form is the stuff that NOBODY is meant to see. The background stuff is for me to know and helps me frame the story and present the world to the reader, but it's the stuff that makes a rich world, not the stuff that makes a compelling story. The scenes are for me to get to know the characters better and may or may not ever be used. So I told him something to the effect of, "This isn't like a romance novel with vampires or something. It's not about 'the love of the woman saves the man who doesn't think he can be saved.'" This is like The Lord of the Rings of vampire novels. Everything in it is symbolic of something else. Every relationship in it is symbolic of something metaphysical. This is everything I believe, and everything that's important to me, and everything I will ever be able to say that matters. It's the most important thing I will ever do because it's the one thing that I can do for God that nobody else can." And then I went O.O "SHIT."

I didn't set out to write something that significant. I just wanted to tell a story about characters I loved. I don't make up characters with the intent that they represent things or send messages. If I started a story with that kind of intent I can guarantee it wouldn't work. If I had sat down and said "Oh, I'll write a big complex work with a bunch of symbolism in every relationship and characters who look like the absolute opposite of what they MEAN," it would have been garbage. And I don't know how "important" it actually is, but it's really the most important thing that *I* will ever accomplish, for whatever that's worth. If I don't do it right, I might as well not do it at all.

That's not to say I'll never write anything else. Obviously I will, and I would hope that all of my projects say something relevant and meaningful. It's just that I've suddenly realized that however it's received and whatever it says, Bloodkin is what I'm here to accomplish, however long it takes.

That's both disturbing and a relief. On the one hand, I've spent a considerable portion of the last ten years basically going, "Okay, God. WHAT is it that you want me to do?" Everything I've tried to do, every path I've tried to pursue, even when I thought I was doing what HE wanted has been roadblocked. So, it's like "Wow. So you mean BLOODKIN is the point?" On the other hand it's like "Um...Bloodkin is...the point...?"

Not sure what I really think of that. I love and hate Bloodkin in equal measures most of the time, so I guess that's good indication. *shakes head* Anyway.

On a separate but related note, I think I understand why Darius is so compelling to me now. He's me. In a completely different way than any of the other ones are me. I mean...they're all me in one way or another. Some of them are me in very obvious ways. Bethany is the modern woman, Nilla is the figher, Steve is the wounded healer, the boys are the parts of me that want to stay young but want to be more at the same time...I could go on. But Darius is ME. Gurad takes turns in Bloodkin representing different aspects of the relationship between Christ and man. He's very obviously fallen man in need of redemption. That's the place Bloodkin started, really. At other times, he can be the lover to the beloved; the lion who defends, etc. But with Darius, it's always one thing. The lost child. That's all he ever is, even after redemption because it's about the lost child and the parent who does anything to win him back, and then it's about the lost child learning to different but always BEING the lost child who is conscious of the unmerited favor of the father.

Seems to be the weekend for writer-epiphanies or something...